unplugged

I've been becoming more distant from reality, and whether that'd be from stress our simply losing my mind, i don't know. It's not that i am going crazy, but rather i am becoming distant from what i am doing. My mind is still going a million miles a minute, and i still have no control of it. Once i think i have a though captured, it escapes from my clutches and vanishes into nothing. What thoughts are so urgent that they fly away from my grasp, i wonder.

I am in wonder constantly, at this earth that god has made. The beautiful sky, the wondrous geography, and the complexity of even the smallest things. I am also in wonder of why i am able to experience these things. Why am i allowed to live this life, even though i know that i do not deserve it. I sin, constantly, and without regret. I look upon my actions in disgust and wonder why i even made them in the first place. I can't afford to try to wrap my head around any more ideas like this, so for now, i simply let them escape my grasp into the nothingness of my mind.

not again.

I think I am living for others. Even in the smallest way, i don't like it. I want to be me, for me. well, not even for me, for god. I want to live the life that i am meant to live. I am so broken, and i need god to fill the cracks, not people.

Why do i care about other people's opinions? why should i let them influence the way i interact and live my life. i don't ever want to think that my voice is being silenced by the noise of the outside world, i can't and won't stand for that.

Today, was a reality check. Everything came at me in slow-motion, and every major thing did make the impact that it needed to on me. I realize my wrongs, and i have learned to appreciate all my rights. With god in my life, and good friends, i know i can keep it up. I don't normally show weakness, because i have to be strong for so many, but right now, i need all those people to step up and be strong for me.

"what's going on"

What is going on in my life? today, i cried. i'm "man enough" to say that. I don't need to keep up an image of testosterone fueled actions, because that is not who i am. I am not gay, but many interpret my actions that way. Just because i have a smile on my face, and am spreading cheer to those who i do and don't know, doesnt make me gay. but if it helps you to accept me to think 'm gay, then go ahead. 

My day was changed a total of three times, each time whipping in a different direction. I heard a song and read a story that always gets me emotional, and cried and thought about my life with god. Then, i heard a man talk about that very same thing i was talking about, and then i saw this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRXjqpfOnS0&feature=youtu.be 

How beautiful is that. I can not say that i am on the same playing field as this young man, but i can certainly understand some of the things he has went through. going through elementary school and middle school without friends, is a feat that no person should ever have to overcome, but like him i was tortured by the thought that i would continue out of middle school with no friends, and continually be put down by the people i desperately wanted to call friend. if you meet someone that ever puts you down, to raise themselfs up, please help them. Find out what is wrong with them, and what is going on in their life, so you may sympathize, and befriend them, and even pray for them. do not push against those who wish to push against you, simply let them push, and take the impact and love them for it. 

This is big.

if you have a second, watch this to understand what i'm going to be discussing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WibmcsEGLKo&feature=colike

Now, what do you think of that? a man more than seventy years ago said what has been needed to be said to this generation.
What happened?
what happened to people, their emotions, and the way they treat other human beings. we have become machine men, with machine minds, looking out for only yourself, and as a god fearing man, i believe that's not OK. what do we do? i need feedback. so, if you are a reader, talk to me, tell me what to do to spark something to change.

Challenges

I just got back from taking the SAT s and i'm exhausted to say the least. I have no idea how someone could come up with the questions on that test, not because of the difficulty, but rather the easiness of them. Now, with this test graded, i will be able to venture into the world, apply to colleges and start a life, right? well, let me get this straight, i am going to college, but who needs a test to see if you should go there or not? i would much rather interview for a college, and show them who i am, rather than send in pieces of paper telling who i am. I am not a score, i am a human being.

 Tonight is the dance, and i'm excited! i don't know what is going to happen, but i know it'll be fun. With all these people i know there, and the prettiest date on the dance floor, i'm confident that no matter what happens, i'll be smiling.

Bro

 "hey bro. I'm just gonna throw this out there...how's your relationship with the Lord?" i got this from a kid in school that i barely knew, only through interactions in class, and at lunch. How cool is that, though? When god said he appointed us as prophets to every nation, i never thought that i would actually be approached by a prophet myself. And to think about it, i guess i am a prophet. Getting kids to go to young life, and just giving them the little taste of the lord that they need to get kick started into a never ending life. 


So, Semi-Formal is coming up, and i guess i am a bit nervous. I consider myself a very feminine man, but that's the way i was made. I am not gay, i just like some things that girls like, and i love getting pampered, looking good, and i worry about small details just like most girls do. So, i'm constantly running through the night in my mind, with one thing in my mind, my date will look beautiful. i know that, and it will be a constant throughout the night. but there are no other constants on that night. Will i never see my date after that again? will i find the girl of my dreams on that dance floor? i don't know, and that is what excites me. the things i can't control, usually end up being the things i love the most. 


so, i don't know if i'm a good friend. i'm not exactly the guy who goes around hugging everyone, though i do seem like i am. I have very large physical boundaries. even hugging my best friend sometimes has to be forced out of me, because it is out of my comfort zone. i will be the shoulder for people to cry on, but in the times when they just need a hug, i don't know if i can be that guy? is that odd that i stress over the little things? that i care so much about things that have yet to happen? that i run every possible scenario in my head just praying for the chance not to screw up? i don't care, because i can't break those habits, so i'm not going to try to. 


I love god, and i want to see what he has planned, has up his sleeve, and who he is hiding from me. 

why i do, what i do.

Why do i get excited for the holidays? Why do i act the way i do in the hallways? Well, that's who i am. Christmas and the holidays in general have become somber. and i don't like that. Why be caged up all winter long, and not have any fun when you are stuck inside? why not prance along the hallways and show your inner you.

I love seeing the cheer spread across someone's face, even if they are laughing at me, i don't care. just to see laughter, warms my heart, and give me the extra strength to keep on fighting. I love the holidays, and i hate to see people with any expression but a smile painted upon their face.

Hiding

Today i took a long walk with my dad. keep in mind that my dad is a socially awkward man, who keeps to himself in public. We got to talking about friends, and i realized something, in the last three states we lived in, he didn't have one friend. He had nine friends in new york, and that is it. Nine friends, nine people he really cared about. and he knew them all from high school.  they were the "neet nine". I knew that one of his friends had commited suicide a few years ago, but i didn't know this story.

He was just like everyone else, except for the fact that he wasn't. There was something wrong, but no one knew how bad it really was. He went to all the parties, played all the games, but in everyones mind they saw that he was missing something. He could do everything everyone else did, but he didn't get the feeling he needed out of it. Maybe seeing people he knew would force him to be himself, but he still held his friends at a higher level of respect then he had for himself. he was a large man, and i can remember him picking me up when i was little as if i were a piece of paper. But, he felt like a small man, being crushed by the "success" of people around him.

I realzied that in some aspect or another, i was doing the same thing. Now i have severe depression, but i have that under control, so it doesn't faze me that much anymore. but i do feel what my dads friend felt, and i'm not hiding it anymore, i have as much human control over my life as possible. i do things that will fulfill me. and i am constantly being filled with purpose by god. I don't need drugs, beer, partying, or doing stupid things. I need God, i need good friends, and i need to have a purpose to my life. But, my needs are my wants, so i am constantly being replenished by my needs, and constantly striving for my wants.

Friend.

Who is a friend? Are they a person you see once throughout the day, but not outside of school? Are they someone you like to associate yourself with because it will be favorable for you? I don't think that's what it is.
i think it is something magical. A give an take relationship, were no matter how much you give, you always feel like the other partner is giving more. Someone who not only mirrors your personality, but lets you see there real side. Someone who is real.

Is it the best friend who matters most? The girl you've known for three years, been through hell and back with, and love more than anoyone else outside your immediate family? The girl that you've laughed with, grown with, and even cried with?

Or is it the new friend. The surprisingly deep girl who somehow figures you out in the first few days and is able to get you to spill your hearts desires, and the clockwork that you call a brain. She seems to be an old friend, a memory from long ago. But, how does she work, why do things flow through you with her, when with some of your older friends you can't even tell them what you had for breakfast?

A friend is necessary. You can have god in your life, and have Christ walk with you. But, you can see god in a person, so why not enjoy one of gods creations. Find a companion, fight through life with them, make memories. Find that key that acts as the missing puzzle piece that completes the picture. The person who, no matter what you say, will make up a small part of you.

Safety

The idea that the world can't touch you, hurt you, or even make a dent on the way you are living, is a hard one to grasp. words are just words. but when a person puts their emotions behind it, words tend to pack a punch. But, only one word has any meaning alone, on it's own, without voice. it's love. it's not a word to me, it's love. It's not a feeling to me, it's love. It is a way of life, and to have gods love, well that is all the nourishment i need. I don't need your words of engorgement, no matter how thoughtful they may be, i need to know that i believe in.

She's my new friend. She won't be like the others, and i know i say this so early on, but i feel it. And, when i say it, i believe it. My friends have been acting weird though, and it is nice to find comfort in a new one. I don't know what it is, but i'm starting to see that some of them don't like the real me. And it upsets me, that because of that, i probably can't be their friend anymore, because i won't adapt for them.

So, adapting. Why do we do it? Why do we take the time to socially study a person, try to understand how they respond to things, and interpret our idea of an appropriate interaction with them. we do it because we should. We don't just start yelling profanitys at Amish people, because it's rude. Sure, there is always going to be a douchebag around the corner, fighting against all moral codes, but you don't have to be that person. But when you have to change who you are, to PLEASE someone, that's where you stop. You Must be yourself, for you are beautiful in every sense of the word, you are so unique, unless you are a twin, in that case you are so much more different than everyone else, for the fact that they have something to compare you to, and see how different you are from another person. So, be you.

Who am I? who are you.

Who am i? Am i merely that kid that everyone can't figure out, matching flawless social skills with understanding eyes? Am I that kid who doesn't care what other think of him. Do i do drugs? do i drink? I am all that, and the only thing i use to get through my life isn't drugs, or alcohol, it's god. 


What's my story? many think i have the "perfect life" with things simply falling into my lap, and troubles simply avoiding me? did you know that I've moved seven times? and attended over 8 different schools?  Did you know i was bullied up until 8th grade? that up until 6th grade i didn't even have one friend? not a single one. All i wanted was a label, because if i couldn't figure myself out, i sure as hell would of liked someone to tell me who i was. I've asked out thirty girls in my seventeen years of life, and the only one that said yes, turned out to be a huge mistake. I'm a "friend" to many, but i only consider them people. I can count my real friends only on my fingers and toes. I always show a smile, through pain, suffering, and fear. Why wear a frown, when you could put on a smile, and actually do something to better yourself? I am who i am, because of what i've went through, and i will show my battle wounds, and what life has done to me. So, show your emotional "scars" or if you have them, your physical ones. it just proves you were strong enough to get out of what you were in. 


you didn't know that, and you couldn't have unless i told you. This idea of everyone having a story, is incredible. to think that through the day you pass by people who might have been abused, and still carry a smile, is cool. I know cool may not seem like the word, but it is for me. it's interesting to see people, the way they react, and the things they do. I love people, and no matter what they say or do to me, i know that some how i lead them up to saying that. I forgive anyone the second after they verbally attack me. I won't give up on people, and most importantly i will never give up on myself.

Ponder.

I do wonder and ponder life's many mysteries from time to time. But, not for too long, because guess what, I can't figure them out. I am a control freak, and i love having things in order and calculated. But life, is an ever moving game of Jenga. I don't know which block i'm pulling out, or what it's going to do. Is not doing my homework today, going to kill me tomorrow? Is sitting back and watch her smile going to save me, or pave the path for a road of loneliness. I don't know.

I can't understand death, not that i don't believe in it, but i pretend it's not real. I look at the news sometimes and wonder "why should i care?" and really, why should I? Some poor child dies of hunger, how does that affect me? Sometimes I actually open my eyes and see why I should care, because this kid, who i've never met, might be my best friend someday, or even save my life. I don't watch the news very much, or the weather for that matter. Why learn about something and try to prepare for it, then just sit back and trust that god has your back?

My friend's grandpa was in the hospital last night, and when i asked her how she trusted god so much she said " well, i got nothing better to trust, he's it and he has a plan for all of us" how cool is that, that someone can put the life of a loved one in the hands of god, and just sit back. Maybe i should just fall back into god's hands and trust that he's going to take care of me, because that man did live, and I am still wondering how.

But, at the end of the day, i need to smile. Even if everything's not alright, why not just put a smile on your face, and actually do something about it. You never know when a person see's your smile, and they go off feeling better for seeing another human being so happy, even though they're going through so much. It gives them hope, and without hope, well we'd just be in the dark.

Confused

i Don't know what i'm doing with god, my friends, family, or schoolwork. I know things are going to even out if i just try, but balancing all these friends, with my family, and my goal of growing in Christ is hard. I feel like some of the closest people to me are the unhealthiest, some friends confuse me. overall i don't know if today was a "success" or a flop. But, i'll keep on fighting, keep on smiling, and be there for those when they need me. Facebook is becoming a drug, and twitter is just a vice. I need to start reading again, and be able to translate the words in my head down to solid pen and paper.