Hiding

Today i took a long walk with my dad. keep in mind that my dad is a socially awkward man, who keeps to himself in public. We got to talking about friends, and i realized something, in the last three states we lived in, he didn't have one friend. He had nine friends in new york, and that is it. Nine friends, nine people he really cared about. and he knew them all from high school.  they were the "neet nine". I knew that one of his friends had commited suicide a few years ago, but i didn't know this story.

He was just like everyone else, except for the fact that he wasn't. There was something wrong, but no one knew how bad it really was. He went to all the parties, played all the games, but in everyones mind they saw that he was missing something. He could do everything everyone else did, but he didn't get the feeling he needed out of it. Maybe seeing people he knew would force him to be himself, but he still held his friends at a higher level of respect then he had for himself. he was a large man, and i can remember him picking me up when i was little as if i were a piece of paper. But, he felt like a small man, being crushed by the "success" of people around him.

I realzied that in some aspect or another, i was doing the same thing. Now i have severe depression, but i have that under control, so it doesn't faze me that much anymore. but i do feel what my dads friend felt, and i'm not hiding it anymore, i have as much human control over my life as possible. i do things that will fulfill me. and i am constantly being filled with purpose by god. I don't need drugs, beer, partying, or doing stupid things. I need God, i need good friends, and i need to have a purpose to my life. But, my needs are my wants, so i am constantly being replenished by my needs, and constantly striving for my wants.