unplugged

I've been becoming more distant from reality, and whether that'd be from stress our simply losing my mind, i don't know. It's not that i am going crazy, but rather i am becoming distant from what i am doing. My mind is still going a million miles a minute, and i still have no control of it. Once i think i have a though captured, it escapes from my clutches and vanishes into nothing. What thoughts are so urgent that they fly away from my grasp, i wonder.

I am in wonder constantly, at this earth that god has made. The beautiful sky, the wondrous geography, and the complexity of even the smallest things. I am also in wonder of why i am able to experience these things. Why am i allowed to live this life, even though i know that i do not deserve it. I sin, constantly, and without regret. I look upon my actions in disgust and wonder why i even made them in the first place. I can't afford to try to wrap my head around any more ideas like this, so for now, i simply let them escape my grasp into the nothingness of my mind.

not again.

I think I am living for others. Even in the smallest way, i don't like it. I want to be me, for me. well, not even for me, for god. I want to live the life that i am meant to live. I am so broken, and i need god to fill the cracks, not people.

Why do i care about other people's opinions? why should i let them influence the way i interact and live my life. i don't ever want to think that my voice is being silenced by the noise of the outside world, i can't and won't stand for that.

Today, was a reality check. Everything came at me in slow-motion, and every major thing did make the impact that it needed to on me. I realize my wrongs, and i have learned to appreciate all my rights. With god in my life, and good friends, i know i can keep it up. I don't normally show weakness, because i have to be strong for so many, but right now, i need all those people to step up and be strong for me.

"what's going on"

What is going on in my life? today, i cried. i'm "man enough" to say that. I don't need to keep up an image of testosterone fueled actions, because that is not who i am. I am not gay, but many interpret my actions that way. Just because i have a smile on my face, and am spreading cheer to those who i do and don't know, doesnt make me gay. but if it helps you to accept me to think 'm gay, then go ahead. 

My day was changed a total of three times, each time whipping in a different direction. I heard a song and read a story that always gets me emotional, and cried and thought about my life with god. Then, i heard a man talk about that very same thing i was talking about, and then i saw this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRXjqpfOnS0&feature=youtu.be 

How beautiful is that. I can not say that i am on the same playing field as this young man, but i can certainly understand some of the things he has went through. going through elementary school and middle school without friends, is a feat that no person should ever have to overcome, but like him i was tortured by the thought that i would continue out of middle school with no friends, and continually be put down by the people i desperately wanted to call friend. if you meet someone that ever puts you down, to raise themselfs up, please help them. Find out what is wrong with them, and what is going on in their life, so you may sympathize, and befriend them, and even pray for them. do not push against those who wish to push against you, simply let them push, and take the impact and love them for it. 

This is big.

if you have a second, watch this to understand what i'm going to be discussing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WibmcsEGLKo&feature=colike

Now, what do you think of that? a man more than seventy years ago said what has been needed to be said to this generation.
What happened?
what happened to people, their emotions, and the way they treat other human beings. we have become machine men, with machine minds, looking out for only yourself, and as a god fearing man, i believe that's not OK. what do we do? i need feedback. so, if you are a reader, talk to me, tell me what to do to spark something to change.

Challenges

I just got back from taking the SAT s and i'm exhausted to say the least. I have no idea how someone could come up with the questions on that test, not because of the difficulty, but rather the easiness of them. Now, with this test graded, i will be able to venture into the world, apply to colleges and start a life, right? well, let me get this straight, i am going to college, but who needs a test to see if you should go there or not? i would much rather interview for a college, and show them who i am, rather than send in pieces of paper telling who i am. I am not a score, i am a human being.

 Tonight is the dance, and i'm excited! i don't know what is going to happen, but i know it'll be fun. With all these people i know there, and the prettiest date on the dance floor, i'm confident that no matter what happens, i'll be smiling.

Bro

 "hey bro. I'm just gonna throw this out there...how's your relationship with the Lord?" i got this from a kid in school that i barely knew, only through interactions in class, and at lunch. How cool is that, though? When god said he appointed us as prophets to every nation, i never thought that i would actually be approached by a prophet myself. And to think about it, i guess i am a prophet. Getting kids to go to young life, and just giving them the little taste of the lord that they need to get kick started into a never ending life. 


So, Semi-Formal is coming up, and i guess i am a bit nervous. I consider myself a very feminine man, but that's the way i was made. I am not gay, i just like some things that girls like, and i love getting pampered, looking good, and i worry about small details just like most girls do. So, i'm constantly running through the night in my mind, with one thing in my mind, my date will look beautiful. i know that, and it will be a constant throughout the night. but there are no other constants on that night. Will i never see my date after that again? will i find the girl of my dreams on that dance floor? i don't know, and that is what excites me. the things i can't control, usually end up being the things i love the most. 


so, i don't know if i'm a good friend. i'm not exactly the guy who goes around hugging everyone, though i do seem like i am. I have very large physical boundaries. even hugging my best friend sometimes has to be forced out of me, because it is out of my comfort zone. i will be the shoulder for people to cry on, but in the times when they just need a hug, i don't know if i can be that guy? is that odd that i stress over the little things? that i care so much about things that have yet to happen? that i run every possible scenario in my head just praying for the chance not to screw up? i don't care, because i can't break those habits, so i'm not going to try to. 


I love god, and i want to see what he has planned, has up his sleeve, and who he is hiding from me. 

why i do, what i do.

Why do i get excited for the holidays? Why do i act the way i do in the hallways? Well, that's who i am. Christmas and the holidays in general have become somber. and i don't like that. Why be caged up all winter long, and not have any fun when you are stuck inside? why not prance along the hallways and show your inner you.

I love seeing the cheer spread across someone's face, even if they are laughing at me, i don't care. just to see laughter, warms my heart, and give me the extra strength to keep on fighting. I love the holidays, and i hate to see people with any expression but a smile painted upon their face.